Friday, April 12, 2013

wonderings

Lately, I've been wanting to write my heart out. I usually find the first notebook I can get my hands on and write. I know that if I saw my ramblings on a page, they would look and feel just like the the ramblings I wrote months ago. I hate this cycle of always feeling happy and then sad. Happy then sad. And it seems hypocritical considering my past post. (Please, I'm a woman and I know how cycles work, yes, the menstrual kinds too). I know, they're at work right now. 
Anyway, today, on behalf of my almost 300th post {or maybe 300th post?!}, I kinda wanted to just show you images of what has been making my heart happy. And try to express myself with these words. I can't ever seem to do so properly, and I feel it's because of my vocabulary (I'm pulling out the Mexican card right now, too) and I guess I am a person who likes to visually speak. I am a visual person. And that's as far as I'm ever going to get if I want to stay sane. Here's an attempt at it, anyway.
 Lately, when I know I am getting one of those low feelings, my inner conversations are self-doubting and overwhelming ones, and then the stress piles on. But I remember the one thing I must do if I want to survive the day: change my attitude.

 I am one of those people that thrives in misery. I choose to be angry because it's the easier road for me. 
I have to consciously choose to change my attitude daily and let the bad stuff roll off my shoulders, otherwise I'll be the bitch no one wants to hang around with. 
Also, praying for grace helps a lot. And taking a 10 second breather if kids are involved helps too.
Those things save me, each and every day. 
 I think my biggest feat lately has been trying to figure out which direction I'm heading. I've spoken about this before, but no matter how much I make lists, how much I pray about it, how many times I've thought about it, I still can't figure out which path I need to take. I feel like Alice in Wonderland. 
And when I watched the cartoon the other day, I felt even more confused when Alice encountered the Chesire cat:
Alice: Oh, no, no. I was just wondering if you could help me find my way. 
Cheshire Cat: Well that depends on where you want to get to. 
Alice: Oh, it really doesn't matter, as long as... 
Cheshire Cat: Then it really doesn't matter which way you go. 
So, which way do I go? Does it really matter? I've already finished school. I'm a full-time mom, wife, teacher, chef, cleaning lady, and chauffeur. It feels like I never get an hour to myself. If I ever do, I feel like a chicken with its head cut off. Like Alice. Desperately seeking the right path.
I have been wishing for a mentor. Somebody twice my age who will take me under their wing. Show me, teach me, guide me through this thing I'm living. Somebody who won't baby me. Kinda like Master Shifu from Kung Fu Panda. A mentor who won't hold my hand, but instead show me tough love. 
I had plenty of mentors when I was younger and still in school. Unfortunately, when you're young and reckless, you don't listen to anything they say. Now, it's all I crave, their teachings and friendship. 
I miss that. I need that.
The coach voice, you know, the one that screams at you when you're not bending down far enough or keeping your back straight. I need that encouragement. The slap in the butt. Or a kick in the head. 
Maybe even a kickboxing class. Does it sound like I have anger issues, now? ...maybe...just a bit...
At the moment, I know what makes me happy. I think that should be my focus. Happiness. My path. 
It's what I seek every day. Otherwise I'd be done for. 
Isn't that what everybody should be doing anyway? Be happy? 
Do you like my selfie? Can't decide whether color or bnw looked best, so your get both.
I recenly read this blog post from Design Mom who has a series called Living with Kids. 
She featured Laura Tremaine from Hollywood Housewife. The feature shows the inside of these people's houses, and talks about living with kids. Here's a part of the article that totally grabbed my attention:
Q: Please finish the sentence: I wish someone had told me…
A: …to start writing and creating when I was much younger. I had a grand ole time in my twenties, but I should have been selfish in a different way. I didn't truly start down a creative path until I was already in the thick of motherhood, so my attention is now forever divided. Better late than never, though! My life mantra is Start Where You Are.
Here's the black n white one...
So let's recap. Start where I am at. Seek happiness daily. Be slow to anger. Befriend a mentor.
Have a great day.
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