wonderings

Lately, I've been wanting to write my heart out. I usually find the first notebook I can get my hands on and write. I know that if I saw my ramblings on a page, they would look and feel just like the the ramblings I wrote months ago. I hate this cycle of always feeling happy and then sad. Happy then sad. And it seems hypocritical considering my past post. (Please, I'm a woman and I know how cycles work, yes, the menstrual kinds too). I know, they're at work right now. 

Anyway, today, on behalf of my almost 300th post {or maybe 300th post?!}, I kinda wanted to just show you images of what has been making my heart happy. And try to express myself with these words. I can't ever seem to do so properly, and I feel it's because of my vocabulary (I'm pulling out the Mexican card right now, too) and I guess I am a person who likes to visually speak. I am a visual person. And that's as far as I'm ever going to get if I want to stay sane. Here's an attempt at it, anyway.

 Lately, when I know I am getting one of those low feelings, my inner conversations are self-doubting and overwhelming ones, and then the stress piles on. But I remember the one thing I must do if I want to survive the day: change my attitude.

 I am one of those people that thrives in misery. I choose to be angry because it's the easier road for me. 

I have to consciously choose to change my attitude daily and let the bad stuff roll off my shoulders, otherwise I'll be the bitch no one wants to hang around with. 

Also, praying for grace helps a lot. And taking a 10 second breather if kids are involved helps too.

Those things save me, each and every day. 

 I think my biggest feat lately has been trying to figure out which direction I'm heading. I've spoken about this before, but no matter how much I make lists, how much I pray about it, how many times I've thought about it, I still can't figure out which path I need to take. I feel like Alice in Wonderland. 

And when I watched the cartoon the other day, I felt even more confused when Alice encountered the Chesire cat:

Alice: Oh, no, no. I was just wondering if you could help me find my way. 
Cheshire Cat: Well that depends on where you want to get to. 
Alice: Oh, it really doesn't matter, as long as... 
Cheshire Cat: Then it really doesn't matter which way you go. 

So, which way do I go? Does it really matter? I've already finished school. I'm a full-time mom, wife, teacher, chef, cleaning lady, and chauffeur. It feels like I never get an hour to myself. If I ever do, I feel like a chicken with its head cut off. Like Alice. Desperately seeking the right path.

I have been wishing for a mentor. Somebody twice my age who will take me under their wing. Show me, teach me, guide me through this thing I'm living. Somebody who won't baby me. Kinda like Master Shifu from Kung Fu Panda. A mentor who won't hold my hand, but instead show me tough love. 

I had plenty of mentors when I was younger and still in school. Unfortunately, when you're young and reckless, you don't listen to anything they say. Now, it's all I crave, their teachings and friendship. 

I miss that. I need that.

The coach voice, you know, the one that screams at you when you're not bending down far enough or keeping your back straight. I need that encouragement. The slap in the butt. Or a kick in the head. 

Maybe even a kickboxing class. Does it sound like I have anger issues, now? ...maybe...just a bit...

At the moment, I know what makes me happy. I think that should be my focus. Happiness. My path. 

It's what I seek every day. Otherwise I'd be done for. 

Isn't that what everybody should be doing anyway? Be happy? 

Do you like my selfie? Can't decide whether color or bnw looked best, so your get both.

I recenly read this blog post from Design Mom who has a series called Living with Kids. 

She featured Laura Tremaine from Hollywood Housewife. The feature shows the inside of these people's houses, and talks about living with kids. Here's a part of the article that totally grabbed my attention:

Q: Please finish the sentence: I wish someone had told me…
A: …to start writing and creating when I was much younger. I had a grand ole time in my twenties, but I should have been selfish in a different way. I didn't truly start down a creative path until I was already in the thick of motherhood, so my attention is now forever divided. Better late than never, though! My life mantra is Start Where You Are.

Here's the black n white one...

So let's recap. Start where I am at. Seek happiness daily. Be slow to anger. Befriend a mentor.

Have a great day.

silly {homeless} wittys

So we've moved.

But we are homeless.

Bouncing around from guest bed to guest bed.

Living out of suit cases.

Until we find a home.

We've been looking, arguing, and driving around all over the place to FIND IT. 

You know, THAT location. THAT kitchen. THE yard.

We've only started looking. It actually feels freeing and stressful both at the same time.

Is that possible?

Anyway, here are some pics of the last few days. 

making it a habit...

I set up the tripod this morning, and this is what came out. 

I've decided that we need to take more photographs together. 

I love looking through pictures of my mom and seeing how beautiful she was with her Farrah Fawcet hair or a barret in it, smiling down on my little brother all bundled up in her arms while my sis and I played with our dresses and made goofy grins.

I love seeing how we were as a family over 20 years ago. 

I want my boys to see that too.

I want them to know where we lived, what we did, why we were dressed the way we were dressed, the facial expressions that we made and what was happening around us. 

I want them to remember those photographs even though their memory might be as faulty as mine.

I want them to know that their mom was crazy about her hair as my mother was {not nearly} as crazy about hers. 

I want them to know that I was beautiful once, even though 20, 30, 50 years from now I'll be a hideously, wrinkly disabled thing. 

I want to show them I had minimal wrinkles and felt the need to feel pretty just as much as the next girl. 

I can't wait until they tell me I'm the only pretty girl they know.

Snow--again...

SNOW IN FEBRUARY!!!

This morning, it was snowing for several straight hours and we managed to get about 4 inches of snow. At lunch time, we headed out to play in it. Andrew grabbed a stick, sat on the wet porch and played in the snow.

Oh, and also managed to lock ourselves out of the house, too. That was quite an adventurous morning. 

As you can hopefully not tell, I've messed with some of my pictures. I absolutely love Lightroom, but hate my camera. I've browsed through some professional photographers websites/blogs and it seems that saturation and some tint help with making my pictures a little better...still not convinced about the darker outer edges.

But here's my take on faux-finished professional photos :)

Note to family: To get them high-res and saved to your computer, you can go to the actual website (link all the way at the bottom) and click on the pictures. Save them by right-clicking, save image as, etc...

Andrew, after so many snow days we've had this year, is still reluctant to just get out and have fun in the snow...I guess he's still too little and have to wait for the pre-school/elementary stage.

Andrew sitting on the porch, getting his pants all wet. 

Poor cold buns! *Brrrr*

With a stick in hand...

Here he was getting whiny about being out in the cold and not being able to step in the snow.

p.s. I love this photo!

His itty-bitty footsteps in front of our house...

...wondering what to do next.

"ah! more snow!"

Snow prowling

Andrew & I