Querida Mami Tola

Almost two years have passed since we found out the terrible news that we had lost our grandmother, Mami Tola. Her health had been deteriorating for years and she finally passed away the day before before my Father's birthday (his mother). My sister and I hurriedly got in my car and did the 14 hour trek south of the border into Durango Mexico. We arrived late that night and embraced our father for such a long time, we all started weeping.

It had been over 8 years since I had visited Durango. Months since I had heard her voice and seen her face.

We arrived at her house late that night. And as we entered the empty house where she would usually greet us with such a gigantic hug and tears in her eyes, it felt wrong. There was such sorrow in everyone's hearts and the sounds that were usually there on the cold tile floor, were not there. We freshened up and headed to the funeral home for the viewing.

Everything was so overwhelming. People and relatives that I haven't seen in ages, suddenly we're supposed to be happy to see each other but then realize the reason why we are all gathered. All the cousins together again. It was late into the night, or perhaps early the next morning when we headed back to Mami Tola's house. And waking up with her not being there, just felt wrong.

We ate breakfast and headed back to the funeral home. We then went to her church that she had been a member of since I was a little girl, and held the service. And after that, to the 'panteon'...the cemetery.

We sang coritos, lead by my uncle Chuy, and an old, long-time friend of the family played the guitar. We finally buried her on the family lot.

What followed was grief, fellowship, music, eating, drinking, pulling out pictures from her closet, and taking selfies with my relatives. The weather was incredibly hot. But my niece, Frida, was the sweetest little girl I wished so much, Elena had gone with me.

I also visited a long while with my Father. Visited my childhood home, which he built and still lives at. We drank spiked rompope and admired his avocado tree in the backyard. Strolled through the walls I remember walking as a young girl. Mesmerized by everything that was still the same, and paying attention to the changes he has made.

I thought it would be great to recreate a picture that was taken on the front gate of the house when I was little. Yeah, that's me.

Still not sure how to properly display these pictures without it being weird, haha! Maybe they're best just on the blog, or perhaps a scrapbook...

My step-grandfather, Alberto, Mami Tola's husband, passed away last year. He is in the picture above, on the right with my uncle Oscar.

So, do you remember that other sister I traveled with? She was nowhere to be seen during our gathering with family... She won't even talk to our brothers, much less acknowledge our niece.

There is major resentment inside her about things that I don't even know, or care to know, but I do know this: pictures and hearts would have been a lot more whole if she would have been there.

Actually, this entire trip was full of tensions between us. It was most certainly uncomfortable traveling with her.

But I am so thankful that I have a whole other family in Mexico, I will always keep them in my heart and keep in touch through apps. Regardless, I'm happy we took that picture in the garage and Dad's house. With Dad, and brothers, and sister-in-law, and niece. Hopefully we can take a picture with our entire family some day and have everyone finally meet each other!